Deathly Hallows: What Should Have Happened
by A True Weasley
Summary: What should have happened in Deathly Hallows in a hilarious wacko way.
1. The Power of Oxy Clean!

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything that is mentioned in this story. And if you think I'm JKR, you are wrong beyond belief.**

Neville stood in the Great Hall along with so many others watching in suspense as Harry and Voldemort dueled until the death.

Then he realized something.

"Oh my God!" he called out suddenly.

Everyone turned to stare at him.

"I let the llamas out of the pen Hagrid!" Neville said, slapping himself sporadically.

"You did wha' now?!" Hagrid boomed, storming over to Neville.

"Excuse me! Do you all, like, not want Voldy to die or something?" Harry said waving his arms frantically.

Voldy looked around, then exclaimed, "I thought I was filming a Billy Mays commercial…?"  
Everyone stared at Voldy.

Then Billy Mays came in and with the power of Oxy Clean, killed Voldy and put the llamas back into their pen.

And that is how Voldy really died.

**Please review! If you hate it, then don't review!**


	2. Bing!

Harry sat eating some mushrooms in his and Hermione's tent. Hermione was over in the corner brooding over Ron.

Harry approached her and said, "Hermione, I know you're probably going to snap at me, but-"  
"Snapping turtles. Snap the trap," Hermione said simply.

"What? What do you mean? Don't you want some food? Or are you trying that South Beach diet-"  
"Diets don't work. Weight Watchers does. Stand on the scale so we can find out how much you weigh," Hermione said.

"Are you crazy, or are you missing Ron?" Harry asked.

"You drive me crazy! I just can't sleep! Isn't something missing? Isn't someone missing me?" Hermione said, standing up.

"Well then you can just be counted out of our Horcrux hunt then!" Harry exclaimed, stomping off into the forest.

**Bah! I don't know enough words to do a Bing parody! *sobs* Are you dissapointed in me?**


	3. When I Say Hillshire

Harry looked around him. Around him were seven different versions of him along with some Aurors and other adults.

"Alright, so if any of you get into trouble, you should shout?" Moody said.

"Hillshire!" Hermione as Harry piped up.

"And if someone can find you and assist you they shout?" Moody said.

"Farms!" Ron as Harry shouted.

"And then if you're being chased by Death Eaters/Voldy, you shout as loud as you can?" Moody said gruffly.

"GO MEAT!" Everyone shouted.

"I think we're ready," Moody said, "Remember: Go meat!"

* * *

Mrs. Weasley sat in her kitchen, wondering what the heck was going on in the sky, because the only thing she could here was: Hillshire! Farms! Go meat!


	4. The Money You Could be Saving with Geico

Voldy and his Death Eaters sat in Malfoy Manor. Voldy was explaining his plan.

"Alright, my servants, here's the plan-What is _that_?!" Voldy said.

"That? That's the money you could be saving with Geico," Snape said.

Voldy stared at the money uncomfortably.

*Somebody's Watching Me starts playing*  
"Switch to Geico and save money, my lord," Lucius said.

"Well I don't really need insurance right now," Voldy said.

"You might, if Potter defeats you," Draco muttered.

"Potter won't defeat me if you listen to my plan!" Voldy said, eyeing the money once more, "Will somebody PLEASE get that money out of here?!"


	5. Bueller

Snape stood in front of the class because since Slughorn was sick, he would be taking of Potions for the day.

He began the attendance.

He read down the sheet, and then he got to, "Bueller."  
He glanced around the room.

"Bueller," he tried again.

Everyone stared at him.

"Faris Bueller!" he shouted, "Where is this Bueller?!"  
Neville tentatively raised his and said, "Sir, there is no-"  
"Bueller!" Snape yelled.

"But sir-" Neville tried again.

"Faris Bueller, are you here or not here?!" Snape yelled.

Seamus started laughing.

"You wouldn't be laughing if YOU were Bueller!" Snape said, "Faris Bueller!"  
"Sir! Faris-"  
"All classes are cancelled until Faris Bueller is found!" Snape yelled, storming out of the room.

Everyone collapsed with laughter, knowing full well that Faris Bueller didn't exist.

**Review get Snape to go on a quest to find Faris Bueller!**


	6. Thriller!

Harry climbed out of the passage way, and a stream of cheers erupted.

"Harry! It's really you, Harry!"  
"Potter! He's back, it's Potter!"  
"Look, it's Ron, Harry, and Hermione!"

So after Harry had explained that the rumors about Gringotts were true and announced that he, Ron, and Hermione had to leave, everyone burst out, "We need to show you what you taught us!"  
"Cue the music, Neville!" someone shouted.

Neville hurried over to a jukebox, inserted a quarter and selected his track.

Michael Jackson's Thriller started playing.

Everyone hurried into their places.

Harry stood, amazed, that they still remembered how to do the whole Thriller music video.

He had taught them that in their 5th year.

And when the dance moves busted out, Harry had an inexplicable feeling of joy.

When it was over, Harry, Ron, and Hermione burst into applause.

"It's been our only source of inspiration," Neville said, "It kept us going. Once a week we would meet here and do the Thriller, and then try to learn some other dances."  
Harry had never felt prouder.

**I just had to put Thriller in here, ya know? You know the deal: Review!**


	7. The Yellow Brick Road

Harry numbly followed the silver doe Patronus, watching it intently.

He was led to a lake and watched as the doe disappeared.

Shimmering at the bottom of the lake was Godric Gryffindor's sword.

He waded into the water, hoping only to dive once.

He dove down, searching for the sword.

The locket around his neck was tightening on his throat.

He couldn't breathe.

He grabbed the sword and attempted to throw it up in hopes of someone finding it.

Harry was sure he was dying now, because arms lifted him up out of the water.

"Ron?!" Harry screeched, "What are you doing here?"  
"Lemme explain when Hermione's around," Ron said, "And that's not a way to thank a bloke who just saved your life."  
"But how…?"  
"Later," Ron said.

"You need to destroy the Horcrux," Harry said.

"Why me?" Ron asked.

"You got the sword out of the pool," Harry said.

"Alright, fine," Ron said, taking the sword while Harry pried the locket open.

Out sprang Harry, Hermione, Ginny, and Viktor.

"Life is good without Ron," the alternate Harry said, "He never nags me about dating Ginny."

"With Ron gone, I can snog Viktor all I want!" the alternate Hermione said, grabbing the alternate Viktor and pulling him into a kiss.

"Destroy it Ron!" Harry shouted.

Ron fell to his knees, pointing the sword at the alternate Hermione.

"With Ron gone, going to McDonald's is never a problem!" the alternate Ginny said.

"Ron was so obnoxious," the alternate Hermione said, "I don't know what I saw in him."

Ron dropped the sword.

"DO IT NOW RON, DO IT NOW!" Harry shrieked.

"Now I can play Wizard's chess with Viktor all I want-he's my new best mate!" the alternate Harry said.

"Hello new best mate," the alternate Viktor said gruffly.

"Hello!" the alternate Harry said.

"Ron was never cute," the alternate Hermione said, "He had red hair and freckles. And I was secretly going out with Harry while going out with him."  
Ron started to cry.

"Ron! Do it! DO IT NOW!" Harry shouted.

"Harry is way hotter," the alternate Hermione continued, "He's way richer, and much more popular."  
Ron looked up at the alternate Hermione, who was now clinging onto the alternate Harry, and then picked up the sword.

He went over to the locket and stabbed both the windows.

All of the alternates faded away.

"That," Ron said, "Was the scariest thing I have ever seen in my life."

* * *

Harry and Ron were now back at the tent.

Hermione screamed, "RON!"  
"Hermione!" Ron shouted, throwing out his arms for a hug.  
"You idiot!" Hermione screamed, slapping his face.

"What was that for?!" Ron cried indignantly.

"For leaving me!" Hermione sobbed, throwing herself onto the floor.

"She went mad without you," Harry whispered, "Took it all out on me, she did."  
"Go on now go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now! You're not welcome anymore!" Hermione screamed.

Ignoring her comment, Harry asked, "So how did you get back?"  
"I followed the yellow brick road," Ron said.

**So?! Are you totally loving me for such a long chapter?!  
REVIEW!!!**


	8. Deal or No Deal?

Harry, Ron, and Hermione all sat in Griphook's bedroom in Shell Cottage.

"So I'll ask you once more," Harry said, "Deal…or no deal?"  
"Deal! Take it, take it!" Ron and Hermione cheered.

"Ya know, I don't think that's a good enough offer," Griphook grumbled, "No deal."  
Harry, Ron, and Hermione sighed with exasperation.

"We really need the sword," Harry said.

"I said no deal," Griphook said, "I need the sword."  
"What if it was for the defeat of the banker?" Harry whispered, "How about that?"  
A smile curved over Griphook's lips, and he whispered, "Deal."  
"Alright!" Harry said, highfiving Ron and Hermione.


	9. Press Your Luck!

Voldy stood in the Shrieking Shack, with Snape on the floor and Nagini by his side.

"To decide how to kill you," Voldy said, "I'm going to use a game board."  
"…A game board?" Snape asked faintly.

"Yes!" Voldy cried, pulling a curtain and revealing a huge Press Your Luck game board. Instead of having amounts of money, it had different ways of killing. Voldy went over and stood behind the podium and put his hand over the button.

"Alright," he began, "Come on, Avada Kedavra, Avada Kedavra!"  
He slammed his hand down on the button.

He groaned as he saw that it landed on Nagini.

"Well, that won't be as fun," Voldy sighed, "Oh well. Nagini! Kill him!"

Nagini slithered over to Snape and bit his neck.

Voldy laughed and left along with Nagini.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione dashed out to Snape.

"Professor!" Hermione cried.

"Take my memories," Snape whispered.

Harry bottled all of the blue stuff that was coming out of him.

"Luke," Snape said, turning to Luke Skywalker, "Vader is your father…"

Luke dropped to his knees and screamed, "NO!!!!"  
"And Harry," Snape said, turning to Harry, "Dumbledore is gay…"  
And then he died.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione all looked at each other and said in unison, "Dumbledore is gay?!"


	10. Snape's Memories

Harry stumbled into Dumbledore's office, Snape's memories in his hand.

He dumped them into the pensieve and watched.

_Snape was standing by the elevator with Dumbledore._

"_HEY SEVERUS! I MADE A WEBSITE, LOLSeverus, WHERE WE MAKE FUN OF YOU!" Dumbledore yelled, waving his arms all over the place._

"_How fantabulous," Severus said._

"_OOH NEW PICTURE," Dumbledore shouted, taking a picture of Snape, writing 'I iz fantabulus.'_

"What the…?" Harry said.

The memory changed.

"_Hello there, Professor Snaper! May I ask what brings you to this elevator on such a lovely day?" Slughorn said rather cheerfully._

"_I'm taking the elevator. And my name is not Snaper, it's Snape," Snape remarked, starting to eat his Ramen Noodles._

"_Oh, I am ever so sorry, Snapette! Today I had a rather hectic day at work, and I'm afraid my mind might be on a vacation!" Slughorn remarked, even more cheerfully, taking a bite out of four different sandwiches, starting to do the hula._

"_My name is Snape," Snape said angrily._

"Wait a second…" Harry began.

_Snape was squished into the side of the elevator because of Hagrid's vast body._

"_Could you kindly press my floor for me? As I can't reach it right now," Snape said._

"_O' course! What's your floor?" Hagrid said jollily._

"_-9,000," Snape said._

"_Oh…" Hagrid said, searching for the button, squishing Snape with his buttocks._

Harry laughed, "I get it now."

"_GUESS WHAT! LOLSEVERUS HAS 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 views!" Dumbledore shouted._

"_Great. And I told someone that you were gay, and that you were Santa," Snape said._

"_That wasn't very nice Severus, considering I got your face known all around the world," Dumbledore replied sadly._

"_Did it ever occur to you that maybe I __didn't want __my face known around the world?" Snape said._

_They stepped into the elevator, and it was silent until Dumbledore said, "You're my BFF Snape."_

"_What is that?" Snape said._

Harry sighed. How was this supposed to help him?  
Harry wondered what the next memory would be.

"What the…?" he said.

It was him, Ginny, and three children on a Christmas card.

"Uh…?"  
Then, in the next memory, it was Ron, Hermione, and two children on a Christmas card.

"I get it now…" Harry said, "I gotta go tell everyone!"  
Harry ran down to Ron, Hermione, and Ginny.

And Draco was there too, but that was by accident-he was looking for the bathroom.

"Ginny!" Harry yelled, "We get married!"  
"Yes!" Ginny shrieked, jumping into Harry's arms.

"And Ron!" Harry said, turning to Ron, "You and Hermione get married!"  
"Are you bloody serious?!" Ron screamed, "I knew that following the yellow brick road would be a good idea!"  
**So…Snape's memories are excerpts from Snape's Elevator Adventures 1 & 2…and the Christmas card thing was because I had a strange idea that Harry and company sent Snape Christmas cards even though he was dead…**

**So anyways, REVIEW!!!**


	11. Make Out Time

"All students please evacuate because Voldy's a comin'," McGonagall said.

"Dur," Pansy said.

"Please follow your fellow Prefects who will lead you to safety," McGonagall said.

"All eyes on me in the center of the ring just like a circus-hey wait a second! Ah. Okay. This is Lord Voldemort, requesting you bring Harry Potter is brought to me because he got my McDonald's order wrong," Voldy's voice called out to the Great Hall.

Several people laughed.

"No you insolent fools! Is that honestly what you thought I wanted Harry Potter for? I want to kill him!" Voldy said, "So just Fed Ex him to me in the Shrieking Shack."  
"Hey, there's Harry!" Colin called out, pointing to Harry.

"Well who did you think I was, Moaning Myrtle?!" Harry said.

"Start the evacuation…now!" McGonagall shouted, and everyone fled from the room.

Harry plopped down next to the Weasleys.

"Any sign of Ron and Hermione?" Harry asked.

"Uh, not yet-"  
"Okay here's the battle plan: we're gonna totally wing it! Just kidding, we'll place a whole bunch of Fed Ex boxes all of over the Grounds and Voldy will think you're in them! Meanwhile we'll be leading people out to fight on the grounds, and then we'll fight people, and Fred and George will seal all the passages, and we'll see what happens!" Kingsley said.

"Okay!" everyone said.

"Oh! I gotta go look!" Harry said.

Everyone gave Harry a puzzled look as he dashed off.

"Lovely weather we're having today, aren't we Harry?" Nearly Headless Nick said.

"Who's the ghost for Ravenclaw?" Harry asked.

"Oh, there she is!" Nick said, pointing to another ghost.

"Where's the diadem?" Harry screamed at the ghost.

She then launched into a lecture about how it won't do anything for him and blah blah blah, and then Harry screamed, "I just need it for defeating Voldy, okay?!"  
"I just remembered, I lost it at a slumber party, sorry," she said.

Harry screamed and ran around Hogwarts like a mad man til he found Ron and Hermione after he turned a corner.

"Where the heck have you been?!" Harry screamed, "I've been running around like a mad man-"  
"You usually are, Harry," Hermione interrupted.

"Oh come on!" Harry said, "That's not important now, where were you?!"  
"We went to the Chamber of Secrets," Ron said.

"What the heck were you doing there?! At least I did something useful," Harry said, "Wait a second, I didn't do anything useful…"  
"Well Hermione always wondered what a basilisk looked like…" Ron said.

"That's what you did there?!"  
"Is that honestly what you thought we did there?! We got rid of the cup, stupid!" Ron said.

"Sorry, I think I have too much adrenaline in my system right now…but you did?! I know where the diadem is now! So we both did something sort of useful!" Harry said.

"Well don't you know how we did it?" Ron said.

"Of course!"  
So Ron launched into a long explanation, and he and Hermione admired each other's work, and then he mentioned something about the house elves leaving and blah blah blah, and then Hermione jumped out and kissed him.

Then Ron lifted her up and it was very romantic etc. and Harry, who had just processed what happened, shrieked, "Hey!"  
"HEY!" he tried again.

"THERE'S STILL A WAR GOING ON!"

"Well fine, if it's make out time, then gosh darn it, it's make out time!" Harry yelled, storming off.

He rounded the corner then said, "Ginny!"  
"Harry!"  
"It's make out time!"  
"It is?" Ginny said, a little puzzled.

Harry dashed over and began to make out with her.

"Hey!" Neville shouted, "I thought this was a war, not make out time!"  
***grins proudly* Very long chapter there, that should keep you readers satisfied! :D**


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